مطالب کوتاه و خواندنی

nino · Sep 12, 2007

10 سپتامبر, 2007

10 سپتامبر, 2007

Second Life

آیا هرگز خواسته اید یک بار دیگر هم زندگی کنید؟ شاید در زندگی دوباره، شرایط بهتری داشته باشید. یکی از بزرگ ترین پدیده هایی که امروزه در اینترنت دیده می شود، چیزی است که دقیقا زندگی دوم، خوانده می شود. به گزارش مادلین موریس، گوش کنید:

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Virtual worlds are still a little known part of the internet. In them, real humans are shown as digital versions of themselves known as avatars. They build homes and businesses, buy and sell land and have relationships - all through the medium of the computer.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Second Life is the biggest and best-known virtual world but for all the hype, generally no more than one-million people log on in any given month. But in an interview with the BBC, Second Life founder Philip Rosedale has predicted that as technology improves, that will change:[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]PHILIP ROSEDALE: Our challenge is to scale this from nine-million people registered and a couple of hundred thousand people a day using it to hundreds of millions of people routinely using it, which I think it can and will reach.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Speaking by his avatar, Philip Rosedale compared the current state of virtual worlds to the stage the internet was at in the early nineties. Real world businesses are currently expanding into virtual worlds not only as marketing tools but as recruiting sites. Multi-national companies, such as IBM and PA Consulting, now regularly hold client meetings there.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]But the technology behind virtual worlds is still a long way off being ready for mass use. Currently no more than fifty avatars can gather in one place without freezing the computer programme, and performing basic functions, such as changing your appearance, requires technical expertise well beyond the ability of most everyday PC users.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Madeleine Morris, BBC[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Virtual[/FONT]

مجازی

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]avatars[/FONT]

شخصیت های مجازی کامپیوتری

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]but for all the hype[/FONT]

ولی با وجود تمام هوچی بازی و جار و جنجال ها

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]to scale[/FONT]

در اینجا: افزایش دادن

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]it can and will reach[/FONT]

این کار عملی است و اتفاق خواهد افتاد

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]recruiting sites[/FONT]

سایت های اینترنتی کاریابی

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]a long way off being ready[/FONT]

هنوز با آماده بودن فاصله زیادی دارد

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]mass use[/FONT]

استفاده عده زیادی از مردم، استفاده جمعی

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]freezing the computer programme[/FONT]

از کار انداختن برنامه کامپیوتر

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]technical expertise[/FONT]

تخصص و تبحر فنی

nino · Sep 17, 2007

17 سپتامبر, 2007

17 سپتامبر, 2007

Emmy awards

صحنه ای از سریال تلویزیونی

"سوپرانوز"در مراسم اهدای جوایز "امی" که در حقیقت اسکار تلویزیونی است، سریال تلویزیونی سوپرانوز، که درباره یک دار و دسته گانگستری مافیایی است، بیشترین جوایز را به دست آورد. در این مراسم که در لوس آنجلس، برگزار شد سالی فیلد، و هلن میرن، نیز موفق به کسب جایزه شدند. به گزارش پیتر بوئز، گوش کنید:

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The Sopranos ended its six-year run on American television earlier this year. The mob drama is widely regarded as a ground-breaking series, and the award for best drama, a befitting tribute to one of the most popular shows of the past decade. But the programme's main star, James Gandolfini, failed to win the award for best actor. Instead, James Spader took top honours for his role in the drama Boston Legal.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Sally Field was named best actress in a drama for Brothers and Sisters. She plays a mother whose son serves in the Iraq war. In her acceptance speech, she said if mothers ruled the world, there would be no wars in the first place.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Dame Helen Mirren was honoured for her long-running role in the detective series Prime Suspect. By contrast, the award for best comedy series went to a newcomer, 30 Rock, a sitcom about a TV show. America Ferrera was named best actress in a comedy for Ugly Betty.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The other winners included the veteran singer Tony Bennett who won the award for best performance on a variety show, and the former vice-president Al Gore picked up an Emmy for his interactive TV channel that shows videos made by viewers.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Peter Bowes, BBC News, Los Angeles[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]its six-year run[/FONT]

دوره پخش 6 ساله اش، دراینجا: مدت 6 سال از تلویزیون پخش می شد

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]mob drama[/FONT]

نمایشی که درباره یک دار و دسته جنایتکار به شیوه مافیاست

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]ground-breaking[/FONT]

استثنایی، بی سابقه

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]took top honours[/FONT]

موفق به کسب جایزه شد

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]acceptance speech[/FONT]

سخنرانی که شخص معمولا هنگام دریافت جایزه یا نشان افتخار ایراد می کند

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]long-running role[/FONT]

نقشی که شخص برای مدتی طولانی بازی می کند

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]detective[/FONT]

کارآگاه

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]a sitcom[/FONT]

سریال رادیویی یا تلویزیونی که بازیگر اصلی آن در هر برنامه، با داستان های متفاوت، شرکت دارد

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]a variety show[/FONT]

نمایش واریته، برنامه تفریحی که مجموعه ای از اجراهای کوتاه رقص، آواز، لطیفه گویی، شعبده بازی و دیگر سرگرمی هاست

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]picked up[/FONT]

در اینجا: جایزه دریافت کرد

nino · Sep 22, 2007

19 سپتامبر, 2007

19 سپتامبر, 2007

New way to produce biofuels

دانشمندان برزیلی می گویند راه تازه ای برای بهبود تولید سوخت های زیستی ( سوخت هایی که منشأ گیاهی دارد) کشف کرده اند. این پژوهشگران می گویند تخمیر نیشکر با کمک موج های مغناطیسی، سبب شده که میزان تولید این گونه سوخت ها افزایش یافته و کل این پروسه، 17 درصد سریع تر صورت گیرد. به گزارش مت مک گراث، گوش کنید:

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Many countries around the world are trying to reduce their dependence on oil by emulating Brazil where bio ethanol provides about 30% of automobile fuel. But the process of making bio ethanol by fermenting sugar cane is time-consuming, inefficient and expensive.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Now a team of researchers at Brazil's State University of Campinas say they have found a way of improving the production process by using extremely low frequency magnetic waves. The team attached two electromagnetic generators to a vat containing a mixture of yeast and sugar cane. They found that the production of ethanol increased by 17% and it speeded up the time required to produce the fuel by two hours.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The scientists involved are unsure as to how exactly the process works but they believe that the magnets stimulate the yeast and make it work faster and more intensely. They believe their discovery can be easily implemented at an industrial scale.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Matt McGrath, BBC[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]emulating[/FONT]

تقلید

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]bio ethanol[/FONT]

الکل اتیلیکی که منشأ گیاهی دارد و عمدتا از طریق تخمیر شکر بدست می آید

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]fermenting[/FONT]

تخمیر

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]low frequency magnetic waves[/FONT]

امواج مغناطیسی با فرکانس پائین

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]electromagnetic[/FONT]

الکترومغناطیسی

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]a vat[/FONT]

یک بشکه، یک خمره

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]yeast[/FONT]

مخمر، خمیرترش

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]speeded up the time required[/FONT]

مدت لازم را کاهش داد

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]unsure[/FONT]

نامطمئن

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]implemented[/FONT]

به اجرا درآمد

nino · Sep 22, 2007

22 سپتامبر, 2007

22 سپتامبر, 2007

Fed to stop bad lending practices

منبع: بانک مرکزی آمریکا
در جریان بحران وام مسکن در آمریکا، هزاران آمریکایی خانه های خود را از دست داده و وام دهندگان بیکار شده اند. بن برنانکه، رئیس بانک مرکزی آمریکا می گوید برای متوقف کردن ضبط خانه های مردم و جلوگیری از رکود اقتصادی، باید اقداماتی صورت گیرد. به گزارش ونسا هینی، گوش گنید:

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]With repossessions at a record high and late mortgage payments continuing to soar across the United States, the Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke, warned that the situation would get worse, as many borrowers face their first interest rate adjustments. He said thousands of homeowners would be unable to make their increased mortgage payments and were expected to default.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]But he offered his assurances that regulators would take steps to curb the [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]economic fallout related to the mortgage crisis. Testifying before Congress, he promised that the Federal Reserve would also crack down on abusive, or bad lending practices.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The US treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson, said that mortgage documents would be simplified, to prevent important information getting buried in the complicated small print.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]These comments come two days after the Federal Reserve cut interest rates, to assist the ailing US housing market and prevent the world's biggest economy from falling into recession.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Vanessa Heaney, BBC News, Washington[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]repossessions[/FONT]

پس گرفتن ها ، ضبط ها

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]face their first interest rate adjustments[/FONT]

با اولین مورد تعدیل نرخ بهره مواجهند

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]expected to default[/FONT]

در اینجا: انتظار می رود قادر به بازپرداخت وامشان نباشند

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]offered his assurances[/FONT]

او اطمینان داد

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]take steps[/FONT]

will take steps اقداماتی به عمل خواهد آورد

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]curb the economic fallout[/FONT]

پی آمدهای منفی اقتصادی ( بحران وام مسکن) را مهار کند

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]crack down on[/FONT]

جلوی .....را گرفتن، سرکوب کردن...

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]buried in the complicated small print[/FONT]

پنهان شده در جزییات پیچیده مندرج در یک سند، که غالبا با حروفی کوچک تر از بقیه متن سند، چاپ شده

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]ailing[/FONT]

بیمار، در وضعیت و شرایط بد قرار داشتن

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]falling into recession[/FONT]

وارد دوره رکود اقتصادی شدن، دچار رکود اقتصادی شدن

oxision · Oct 13, 2007

To make a woman happy you only need

To make a woman happy you only need

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy you only need to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a sister
7. a master

8. a chef
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a ***ologist
15. gynaecologist
16. a psychologist

17.an electrician
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. galant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO :

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress he out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT :

53. to never forget :
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

Unfortunately, even if you keep to all these rules, her happiness is NOT guaranteed.

oxision · Oct 13, 2007

TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Sh*g him
2. Leave him in peace !

i wish the best for you!

sara_hyperactive · Oct 20, 2007

What is English?

What is English?

The history of the English language really started with the arrival of three Germanic tribes who invaded Britain during the 5th century AD. These tribes, the Angles, the Saxons and the Jutes, crossed the North Sea from what today is Denmark and northern Germany

A short history of the origins and development of the English language
The history of the English language really started with the arrival of three Germanic tribes who invaded Britain during the 5th century AD. These tribes, the Angles, the Saxons and the Jutes, crossed the North Sea from what today is Denmark and northern Germany. At that time the inhabitants of Britain spoke a Celtic language. But most of the Celtic speakers were pushed west and north by the invaders—mainly into what is now Wales, Scotland and Ireland. The Angles came from Englaland and their language was called Englisc—from which the words England and English are derived.

Germanic invaders entered Britain on the east and south coasts in the 5th century.

Old English (450-1100 AD)
The invading Germanic tribes spoke similar languages, which in Britain developed into what we now call Old English. Old English did not sound or look like English today. Native English speakers now would have great difficulty understanding Old English. Nevertheless, about half of the most commonly used words in Modern English have Old English roots. The words be, strong and water, for example, derive from Old English. Old English was spoken until around 1100.
Part of Beowulf, a poem written in Old English.
Middle English (1100-1500)
In 1066 William the Conqueror, the Duke of Normandy (part of modern France), invaded and conquered England. The new conquerors (called the Normans) brought with them a kind of French, which became the language of the Royal Court, and the ruling and business classes. For a period there was a kind of linguistic class division, where the lower classes spoke English and the upper classes spoke French. In the 14th century English became dominant in Britain again, but with many French words added. This language is called Middle English. It was the language of the great poet Chaucer (c1340-1400), but it would still be difficult for native English speakers to understand today.
An example of Middle English by Chaucer.

Modern English
Early Modern English (1500-1800)
Towards the end of Middle English, a sudden and distinct change in pronunciation (the Great Vowel Shift) started, with vowels being pronounced shorter and shorter. From the 16th century the British had contact with many peoples from around the world. This, and the Renaissance of Classical learning, meant that many new words and phrases entered the language. The invention of printing also meant that there was now a common language in print. Books became cheaper and more people learned to read. Printing also brought standardization to English. Spelling and grammar became fixed, and the dialect of London, where most publishing houses were, became the standard. In 1604 the first English dictionary was published.

Hamlet's famous "To be, or not to be" lines, written in Early Modern English by Shakespeare.

Late Modern English (1800-Present)
The main difference between Early Modern English and Late Modern English is vocabulary. Late Modern English has many more words, arising from two principal factors: firstly, the Industrial Revolution and technology created a need for new words; secondly, the British Empire at its height covered one quarter of the earth's surface, and the English language adopted foreign words from many countries.

Varieties of English
From around 1600, the English colonization of North America resulted in the creation of a distinct American variety of English. Some English pronunciations and words "froze" when they reached America. In some ways, American English is more like the English of Shakespeare than modern British English is. Some expressions that the British call "Americanisms" are in fact original British expressions that were preserved in the colonies while lost for a time in Britain (for example trash for rubbish, loan as a verb instead of lend, and fall for autumn; another example, frame-up, was re-imported into Britain through Hollywood gangster movies). Spanish also had an influence on American English (and subsequently British English), with words like canyon, ranch, stampede and vigilante being examples of Spanish words that entered English through the settlement of the American West. French words (through Louisiana) and West African words (through the slave trade) also influenced American English (and so, to an extent, British English).

Today, American English is particularly influential, due to the USA's dominance of cinema, television, popular music, trade and technology (including the Internet). But there are many other varieties of English around the world, including for example Australian English, New Zealand English, Canadian English, South African English, Indian English and Caribbean English.

source: www.englishclub.com

مریم راد · Oct 27, 2007

Boys And Girls

Boys And Girls

When A Boy..

When a BOY is quiet,
He has nothing to say.....

When a BOY is not arguing,
He is not in mood of arguing.....

When a BOY looks at u with eyes full of questions,
He is really confused......

When a BOY answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds,
He is actually fine......

When a BOY stares at you,
He is either amazed or angry.....

When a BOY lays in your lap,
He is wishing for you to be hers forever.....

When a BOY calls you everyday,
He is spending alot of talk time to get your attention...

When a BOY sms's u everyday,
He is forwarding them....

When a BOY says I love u ,
It's not the first time...

When a BOY says that she can't live without you,
He has made up his mind that you are his for at least a week....

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

When A Girl..

When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running in her mind.

When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply.

When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering how long you will be around.

When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds,
She is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying.

When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever

When a GIRL calls you everyday,
She is seeking for your attention.

When a GIRL sms's u everyday,
She wants you to reply at least once.

When a GIRL says I love u ,
She means it.

When a GIRL says that she can't live without you,
She has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a GIRL says "I miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than hers

gordafarin · Jan 19, 2008

Palmistry Secrets

Palmistry Secrets

Per Hogseth

Some believe that the human hand is an unsurpassed tool for character and emotional analysis, holding vital keys to one’s path to power, success, romance, and fulfillment. Combining Western astrological palmistry with Chinese hand analysis, this captivating instructional guide outlines a quick and accurate method to assess talents, abilities, psychology, and emotional personality in both business and romance. Fully illustrated, with quick pointers and distinct section dividers, the book is a handy reference for any aspiring palmist.

mary27 · Mar 17, 2008

QUOTES

QUOTES

Hi everyone, :gol:

I jus wanted to share some good famous quotes I had read for myself with u guys, some of them are real good, specially if ur situation sort of matches with what it says, it can even help u if u always remember them, especially for students that sometimes feel like ginivng up! :smile:

hope u enjoy them :gol:

:

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. "
Dale Carnegie

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. "
Bill Cosby

"Failure is success if we learn from it. "
Malcolm Forbes

" An optimistic dream is a seed that grows into a tree of success."

" If you change your mind, you can change your life."

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin."

and now the best one for me personally:

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
Helen Keller

if anyone else has good quotes, I'd be happy if they share it with us under this new thread
thanx...

PersiaN_PulsE · Mar 22, 2008

Air pollution in mega cities

Air pollution in mega cities

hey guys

Thats a paper about AIR POLLUTION IN MEGA CITIES that I had written it by myself think of maybe useful for U too,wana have it as a lecture in ur class or sth like that as i had done it before in my english class.have fun

mary27 · Mar 22, 2008

Hey Pezhman!
first of all thanx for sharing ur thoughts and writings with us! I actually read ur writing jus for fun and found it a good one! I think u had provided pretty good solutions, and about the first one, they've actually done this if u have ever seen those van taxies called Delica, which carries about 10 ppl at once! thats close to what u meant! BUT personally I didn't find them ok! its a real pain to get off of them most of the time!
I don know whether it was an essay u were supposed to submit or jus a printed copy of a lecture u have had, but jus as a friend of urs I'd like to tell u to have an eye on ur punctuations! there are so so few commas, semicolons and other punctuations like these in ur writing while in some spots there's actually a need to put them! now in ur writing u have got lots of run-on sentences and sometimes ur sentences go all together following one another without a pause! but if u put correct punctuations on their places the reader would know where to take a break, where to pause, where a new thought starts,...etc
but overall u did a good job! so keep it up!!!

mary27 · Mar 25, 2008

-

-

Heyyy
oh well, ur wecome! thats all I could have done! :redface:

ok yeah I could guess by myself too that this must have been just a lecture u have had and thats why I asked about it first!
right, they did as u wish, so why didn't u mention the fact that u're more than just an industrial engineer!?

u better start writing more about solutions to other problems we have, maybe u're the one who's gonna save iran and put it back in the track, huh?!

we never know....
and here's a sociological journal I had written based on an article I had read; don know if u're familiar with journal writing at all. its pretty short, but I loved the topic! wished u could have read the article for urself! it was so interesting!

امیر Amir · Mar 28, 2008

NEWS IN ENGLISH

NEWS IN ENGLISH

Snorkeling teen finds shark tooth

Thu Mar 27, 6:40 PM ET

PORT HURON, Mich. - David Wentz was snorkeling off Marysville Beach in the St. Clair River last August when what he thought was an odd-looking rock caught his eye. "I didn't know what to think," the 16-year-old Port Huron resident said. ADVERTISEMENT

His father, Craig, said he knew right away what it was due to hours of watching the Discovery Channel.

"It's a shark tooth," Craig Wentz said. "It's petrified. It's rock."

Michigan State University paleontologist Michael Gottfried told the Times Herald of Port Huron that the 3-inch long tooth comes from an extinct species called Carcharodon megalodon, or the "megatooth" shark.

The megalodon, which went extinct 2 million years ago, was larger than any building in Port Huron, reaching lengths of more than 60 feet. By comparison, Great White sharks generally are about 20 feet long.

The megatooth shark ate about 1,500 pounds of food a day, mostly feeding on whales and other large marine creatures.

Gottfried doesn't think the tooth is from a shark that may have been in the Great Lakes region during two different prehistoric eras, dating back from a half-million years to 300 to 400 million years ago, when it was a "shallow marine environment" filled with sharks, whales and other aquatic life.

"I suspect that it was probably carried and dropped by a human inhabitant of the region, either in recent historical times, or perhaps by earlier native people in this area," he said.

"I can't say just how it came to be in the St. Clair River, but I can assure you that there aren't any sharks with 3-inch teeth living there now."

___

Information from: Times Herald, http://www.thetimesherald.com

nino · Mar 28, 2008

مارس, 2008

مارس, 2008

Women's Studies to end in UK universities

عنوان درس: "مطالعات زنان" از رشته های درسی دانشگاه های بریتانیا حذف می شود رشته درسی "مطالعات زنان" از تابستان امسال از رشته های درسی دوره لیسانس دانشگاه های بریتانیا حذف می شود. این رشته درسی که به دنبال جنبش های فمینیستی دهه 1960، طرفداران زیادی پیدا کرده بود به تدریج اهمیت خود را از دست داده است.

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]London's Metropolitan University stopped taking new students for its undergraduate degree in Women's Studies in 2005 and the last 12 students will graduate with a BA in the subject this July. [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Its demise follows that of other Women's Studies departments across Britain that have lost both funding and students or been merged into other disciplines. [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Critics say the subject was a product of its time and that the feminist arguments of the 1970s no longer apply. It became the butt of many a joke in the mainstream media and in today's competitive job market students steer clear, preferring degrees that will secure employment.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]But all is not lost for the subject. Postgraduate studies will continue in this country and Women's Studies is thriving in many countries such as India and Iran. [/FONT]

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]demise[/FONT]

افول، پایان

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]funding[/FONT]

سرمایه، پول، بودجه

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]been merged into other disciplines[/FONT]

در رشته های درسی دیگر ادغام شده است

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]a product of its time [/FONT]

چیزی که محصول احتیاج یا شرایط زمان خاصی است ( در دهه 1960 زنان حقوق برابر با مردان نداشتند به همین جهت رشته مطالعات زنان سوژه مناسبی برای تدریس در دانشگاه ها بود)

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]feminist arguments[/FONT]

استدلال های فمینیستی

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]the butt of many a joke[/FONT]

سوژه لطیفه های ( جوک های) زیاد قرار گرفتن، به مسخره گرفته شدن

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]steer clear[/FONT]

فاصله گرفتن از .....

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]secure employment[/FONT]

will secure employment موجب پیداکردن کار( اشتغال) خواهد شد

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]all is not lost[/FONT]

همه چیز از دست نرفته، همه چیز منتفی نشده است

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif]is thriving[/FONT]

پر رونق است، موفق است

mary27 · Apr 5, 2008

"A true intelligent person knows how to pretend to be a fool in front of a fool who pretends to be intelligent."

"Missing someone is not the problem but learning how NOT to miss them is the real problem..."

"Love is like war,
Easy to begin but hard to end."

"He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'."

"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down."

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."

MONA_Mirzaeean · Apr 17, 2008

EVANESENCE

EVANESENCE

I’m so tired of being hear

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish you would just leave,

Cause your presence still lingers hear

And it won’t leave me alone

These wound won’t seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There’s just too much that time can not erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I hold your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You use to captivate me

By you resonating

Now I’m bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunt

My evanesce pleasant dreams

Your voice is chase me

All the sanity in me

These wound won’t seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There’s just too much that time can not erase…

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you are still with me

I’ve been alone all along

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

funny jokes

funny jokes

hello every one
i want just to make you laugh with these jokes and you can post your own jokes to make your friends laugh

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=+2]Alcohol
[/SIZE][/FONT]

A cowboy walks into a saloon bar and orders a large bourbon. Finishing his drink, he turns to the face the guy playing the piano, takes out his gun, shoots the music papers into the air, shoots the guys hat off and finally shoots the lid down trapping the poor guys fingers, before a flash spin with the gun and puts it back in its holster. "Brilliant shooting," says the bartender, "mind if I look at your gun." Another flashy spin brings the gun into the bartenders hands. "Nice tool, but if I were you I would file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle, make it all nice and smooth." "What the hell for?" asks the cowboy. "Well see that piano player," says the bartender, "he is Billy The Kid, and when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun up your fucking arse"

* * *

A guy walks in a bar and order's two house specials. The barkeep say's were all out of Heineken, would he likes some Bud. The guy say's "Yes". Ten minutes later Bud comes out the bathroom with two full glasses.

* * *

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen my brother?". The barman asks "What does he look like?".

* * *

There was this guy that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He began to have a conversation with the bartender and he went from one beer to several more. After a couple of hours the man realized that he had to piss. At this point he was falling down drunk. He asked the bartender where the john was and the bartender replied "Down the hall the second door on the right. Whatever you do do not go into the first door on the right." The man then got up and walked down the hall and went into the first door on the right. About ten minutes had passed and the bartender knowing that the basement had been flooded earlier and that the first door on the right was a elevator shaft figured that the man had went through the wrong door. He went to check on the man and coming closer to the first door he could hear the mans yells for help. He opened the door and asked the man if he was all right. The man replied "I am fine. Just don't flush the Toilet!"

* * *

Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi walk into a bar.
Luke: "I don't know what to drink!"
Obi Wan: "Use the 4X, Luke."

* * *

There was a bar with a sign that read "Pianist Wanted." A guy walks in there and says "I'm here for the pianist job." The owner says "Well, play us a tune and if you're good enough then you've got the job." He sits down and plays a song that nearly puts the owner in tears. "Oh, what a great song! What's it called?" the manager asks. "It's called, the dog with 2 dicks and my wife's doin my brother!" "Um, that's strange but play us one more tune." The man plays another tune and this time the manager breaks down with tears. "What do you call that song?" he sheepishly asks. "The frog takin a shit and the camel with 3 humps!" he replies. The manager told him that he had the job on one condition: he must not tell the customers the names of the songs he is playing. He started that playing that night. After every song he would get a standing ovation. After about 2 hours he stood up and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to take a quick break and I will return in a few moments." So he ducked into the toilets to take a slash. On his way out a man passing said "Hey, do you know your zips undone and your cocks hangin out!" "know it, I wrote it!"

* * *

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Bud. He says "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender doesn't understand but gives the man a beer. After 15 minutes the man orders a beer again saying "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks a little bit confused but pours the man a beer. The goes on the whole night and after the 15th beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "What do you mean with before problems start, when are you going to pay for the beers you drunk." The man answers "You see right now the problems start!"

* * *

An old Englishman walks into a bar an asks for a bottle of 38 year old wine from Leonne, France. The bartender not wanting to go to the cellar gave the Englishman the closest bottle of wine he has. The Englishman tasted it and said "This wine is only 2 years old and is from Santiago de Chile. "The bartender was amazed, but at the same time curios, so he gave him another bottle. The Englishman goes "This wine is 17 years old and is from San Diego, California." The bartender was so amazed that he gave him another bottle. The Englishman tasted it and said "This wine is 30 years old and is from Lima, Peru. "Finally the bartender goes to the cellar and got the right bottle and gave it to the Englishman. The Englishman said: "Finally, a 38 year old wine from Leonne, France." An old drunk that had been watching goes up to the Englishman and said "Could you please tell me what kind of drink is this" and hands him a cup. The old Englishman tasted and said "What the fuck this is piss." And the drunk replied "Yeah I know but could you please tell me from where because I'm so drunk that I don't remember where I live."

* * *

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"

* * *

A chicken walks into a bar , looks around and says to the barman "Sorry, wrong joke"

* * *

A guy walks into a bar. With him is a cat and an ostrich. The man says "Get me a Budweiser." The ostrich says "May I have an orange juice?" The bartender nods. Then the cat says: "I'll have a shot of Vodka, but I'm notpaying." They finish their drinks and leave.
The next night, the man walks in with the cat and the ostrich again. The man orders a Bud, the ostrich orders orange juice, and the cat has vodka, but insists on not paying.
The third night that this happens, the bartender is pretty curious. He walks over to the man and says "Tell me, why do you come here everyday with a cat and an ostrich?" The man looks around and says "Well, I was walking home from the bar four nights ago, and I took a short cut through an alley. I found this old lamp, and it had a genie in it. He said 'Son, this is your lucky day. I'm going to grant you one wish' and I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

* * *

Two drunks are in a bar.
First one: "My wife is an angel"
Second one: "You are lucky! Mine is still alive."

* * *

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in throught the bathrooms, again he slurs "Give me a drink." Bartender says "No, man, I told you last time you're too drunk."
Five minutes later the guy comes in throught the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk." The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

* * *

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

* * *

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini. The bartender says "What a coincidence, the only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis." After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink." She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!" "What a coincidence," the man replied, "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken." At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?" "I had to try a lot of different cocks," he said. The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!"

* * *

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out. Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that everytime you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket." The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

* * *

A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says "Hey, buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

* * *

A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?" The fish croaks "Water."

* * *

A guy opens a bar, but he has no name for it. One day he sees a girl named Suzy and he thinks she has nice legs. So he names the bar "Suzy's Legs". The next day, before opening hours, 3 guys are sitting outside of the bar. A cop walks up to them and says "What are you doing?" And one guy turns and says "We're waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so we can go in and get a bite to eat."

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

[SIZE=+2]Animals[/SIZE]

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

* * *

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fir?" and the rabbit replies "No, not really." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

* * *

This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to Fido.

A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?"

"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit", replies the blind man.

"Well, it's none of my business," retorts the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!" To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

* * *

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says "Sorry, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures "What the heck", so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says "Sorry, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"

* * *

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."

* * *

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

* * *

There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"

* * *

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty , the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied "Oh no, that couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

* * *

A guy walks into a petstore. For the past two weeks he has suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he decides to buy a parrot that can tell him what goes on at his housee during the day while he is at work. "Wel,"' says the petstore owner, "I only got one bird that can do that, but he's got no legs." The guy looks at him and says "Well if he ain't got no legs, how's he balance himself on the perch." "He's got a really long penis, so he wraps it around the perch." The guy thinks it over and decides to buy the parrot. He takes it home and sure enough the bird wraps his penis around the perch for balance.

Everyday the man comes home and asks the parrot if his wife has been cheating on him. Everytime the same answer "Raawk, nothing doing, Raawk". One day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the bottom of its birdcage. He picks it up and asks what has happened. "Raawk, big happenings, Raawk, big happenings." "What happened?" asks the man. The parrot responds "Raawk, first your best friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made him breakfast, raawk, then they started kissing, raawk, then your wife took off her shirt." "And then what happens?!" asks the man really upset. "Raawk, I don't know, thats when I got a woody and fell off my perch!"

* * *

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said "Oh, no! It's just ice cream."

* * *

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. Bob buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. "My new pet elephant" Bill replies solemly.

* * *

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

* * *

A man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat.

Stewardess: "Are you OK, mister?"

Man: "Yes, I'm fine."

Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements.

Stewardess: "Are you sure you're all right, sir?"

Man: "Yes, but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

Stewardess: "I see. Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK."

Man: "Oh, he's housebroken. The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"

* * *

A fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

* * *

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own croc!" to which the shopkeeper replied "By all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".

The man went out into the Bayou and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".

* * *

There's a fella with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor, an absolute pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says "OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws, and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's worried enough to open the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says "By the way, what did that chicken do to you?"

* * *

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. The owner says "It knows how to use a computer." The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars." Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?!" The owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

[SIZE=+2]Art[/SIZE]

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

* * *

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied, "the good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."

* * *

An artist had been working on a **** portrait for a long time. Every day he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said "Oh, no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

Top

Q&A

Q: How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

* * *

Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun and the cocker spaniel.

* * *

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
A2: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window.

* * *

Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

[SIZE=+2]Blond[/SIZE][SIZE=+2]e[/SIZE]

A blonde goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "the kind for under his arms."

* * *

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."

* * *

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

* * *

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Blonde#2: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

* * *

A blonde's response to the comment "Think about it!" - "I don't have to think, I'm blonde!"

* * *

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

* * *

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

* * *

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."
Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Operator: "The power in the house in on?"
Blonde: "Of course."
Operator: "And the switch is on?"
Blonde: "Yes, yes."
Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"
Blonde: "No, it's working fine."
Operator: "Then what's the problem?"
Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. "

* * *

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?"
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

* * *

Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children.

1st brunette: "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back".

2nd brunette: "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception".

Blonde: "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively "How do you give shoulders?"

* * *

Teller: "Why did the blonde move to L.A.?"
Blonde: "I don't know. Why?"
Teller: "It was easier to spell."
Blonde: "Easier than what?"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

* * *

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well!" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home she drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

* * *

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up and says "Where?"

* * *

I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

* * *

What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.

* * *

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it and yelled out "Green side up!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "Green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "Green side up!" The lady asked him "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply, "but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

* * *

A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.

Cop: "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"

Blonde: "Driver's licence? What's that?..."

Cop: "It's a little card with your picture on it."

Blonde: "Oh, duh! Here it is..."

Cop: "May I have your car insurance?"

Blonde: "What's that?..."

Cop: "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."

Blonde: "Oh, this? Duh! Here you go..."

The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing, last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: (shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

Business

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies "That's the accountant we're looking for."

* * *

Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is working and no one knows why.

* * *

Two guys are talking while sitting on a bench in the park. "All of my ancestors followed the medical profession." said the first. "Doctors?" queried the second. "Nope. Undertakers and lawyers."

* * *

Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.

* * *

The manager was very angry with this beginner who wanted a very high salary. He asked him why he wanted so much money whereas he had no experience. The beginner replied "Work is very difficult when you are a beginner. It becomes easier as you get experience."

* * *

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

* * *

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

* * *

Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."

Guest: "I'll make my own bed."

Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

* * *

Life Insurance Agent: "Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."

* * *

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

* * *

Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.

* * *

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on it's back.

* * *

A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.

Supervisor: "Is it true that you called him a liar?"
Worker: "Yes, I did."
Supervisor: "Did you call him stupid?"
Worker: "Yes."
Supervisor: "And did you call him an opinionated, bullheaded egomaniac?"
Worker: "No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

* * *

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

* * *

A plumber was called to fix a pipe. He arrived, banged on the pipes for 15 minutes, and said to the homeowner well that'll be $35. The homeownersaid "Thirty five dollars!!! Why that's $140 per hour!!! I'm a lawyer and I only make $100 an hour!!!" The plumber replied "Yeah, that's what I got when I was a lawyer."

* * *

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist. "I went for a hair transplant" the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5000." "No problem," said the stylist and she quickly shaved her head.

* * *

A man had dreamt all his life of going to Rome. He told his friend, the local barber, all about it one day while having his hair cut.

Barber: "How will you get there?"

Man: "I'm going on Alitalia."

Barber: "No-not them, they have a terrible reputation. Where will you stay?"

Man: "At the Rome Hilton."

Barber: "Forget it, I hear their hotel there is abysmal. When you get there what will you do?"

Man: "Why, I'm going to see the Pope."

Barber: "Come on. Who are you? You're not famous or well-known. Don't be ridiculous!"

A month later the man returned to get his hair cut again.

Barber: "So, you never got to Rome, did you?"

Man: "Oh, yes, I did! Alitalia was a wonderful airline. And the Hilton hotel was magnificent. And I did get to see the Pope."

Barber: "Well, what happened?"

Man: "I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."

Barber: "You're kidding! What did he say?"

Man: "He looked at me and said, `Son, where did you get that lousy haircut?'"

* * *

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

* * *

An applicant was asked if he was familiar with any machines. He said "Four." "That's great. What are the four machines?" He said "Coke, coffee, candy, and cigarette."

* * *

The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. "We make parts for microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a delicatessen."

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

Computer

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

Departmental Manager: "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

Hardware Engineer: "No, that will take far too long and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we can be on our way."

Software Engineer: "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

* * *

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".

"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.

* * *

The Programmers' Cheer: "Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!"

* * *

"Have you heard about the object-orieented way to become wealthy?"
"No..."
"Inheritance."

* * *

If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

* * *

If you can pick it up, it's a PC.
If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.
But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

* * *

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1!!! F1!!!" and nobody understood it.

* * *

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle!" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions, and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

* * *

Dear Boss,

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

* * *

APL is a write-only language.

* * *

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

* * *

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

* * *

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

* * *

PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran.

* * *

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, benchmarks.

* * *

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"

Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

* * *

Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who it's friends are.

* * *

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."

Genie: "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

Programmer: "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs and let them ask sensible changes."

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

Driving

One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this."

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!"

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?" "Well, my mother might be coming the other way!" the driver said.

* * *

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added "Ever catch all the fish?"

* * *

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

* * *

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied "Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

* * *

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

Guy: "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

Officer: "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

Guy: "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

Officer: "Well, then, we need a urine sample."

Guy: "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

Officer: "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

Guy: "I can't do that, officer."

Officer: "Why not?"

Guy: "Because I'm drunk."

* * *

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

Driver: "Why'd you do that?"

Trooper: "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver: "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

Passenger: "What'd you do that for?"

Trooper: "Just making your wishes come true."

Passenger: "Huh?"

Trooper: "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

* * *

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

* * *

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

* * *

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

* * *

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer requested.

So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Another car passed by.

The driver did a double take and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

* * *

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:

"I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

Fire

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain and a chief. The weather was misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and chief asked "How did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said "I've had enough of this, I am going to get my deer." He came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked "How did you get that?" The captain replied "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked "What happened to you?" The chief replied "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks and got hit by a train."

* * *

A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbor's house was on fire. He promptly called 911 to report the fire. In the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire was at his neighbor's house two miles down the road. The dispatcher asked "How do we get there?" The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked "Don't you, guys, have those big red trucks anymore?"

* * *

It seems there was a woman who received some bad news. Her husband had been in an automobile accident and was brain dead. The doctor told her some good news, though. They had perfected their brain transplant technique and that she was lucky there were three fresh brains in the brain bank from which to choose. There had been a major tragedy at their local fire department. A large explosion had killed a firefighter, a captain and the chief. Having insurance, she requested the cost for each of the brains. The firefighter's brain was $10,000, the captain's brain was $50,000 and the chief's brain was a MILLION DOLLARS! Curious, she asked why the chief's brain was so much more expensive. The reply...you see the chief's brain has never been used!!!

* * *

A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policemans wings fell off.

* * *

A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates. He told himself "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line." He went to the angels guarding the gates and said "Let me in. I'm a fire chief." The angels replied "You'll have to wait in line like everyone else, sir." While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief was pissed and went to talk to the angels. He asked "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied "You have it all wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief."

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

Lawyer

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice "How much do you want it to be?"

* * *

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.

"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."

"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.

"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."

"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.

* * *

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

* * *

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

* * *

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

* * *

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

* * *

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

* * *

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

* * *

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

* * *

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

* * *

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

* * *

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

* * *

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

* * *

The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

* * *

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".

* * *

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

* * *

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think *you're* going to find a lawyer?"

* * *

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

* * *

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2) Lawyers breed faster.
3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4) There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings.

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

[SIZE=+2]Med[/SIZE][SIZE=+2]icine[/SIZE]

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"

"Yes, of course..."

"Great! I never could before!"

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

Patient: "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A man woke up one morning with a red ring around his penis. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.

The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.

The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his penis before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.

The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help.

As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?

The nurse replied, "Lipstick remover."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "24 hours! Thats terrible!!! What could be Worse?! What's the very bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

Man: "What's the matter with me?"

Doctor: "You're not eating properly."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

Doctor: "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

Plumber: "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

The seven-year old girl told her mom "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

Patient: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."

Eye doctor: "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

Men&Women

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

Foreman: "Look Miss, have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
Woman: "Well, as a matter if fact, yes! I've been divorced three times."

* * *

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

* * *

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

* * *

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

* * *

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

* * *

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

* * *

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

* * *

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

* * *

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

* * *

A little boy asked his father "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

* * *

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Father: "That happens in every country, son."

* * *

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

* * *

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
Friend: "And what was he before you married him?"
Woman: "A billionaire."

* * *

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

* * *

When making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

* * *

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

* * *

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

* * *

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

[SIZE=+2]Tarzan[/SIZE]

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the elevator?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

[SIZE=+2]* * *[/SIZE]

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.

m@ys@m · Apr 28, 2008

School

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

* * *

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."

* * *

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."

* * *

Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

Girl: "My homework."

* * *

The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother: "What did you learn today?"
Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

* * *

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

* * *

Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

Boy: "Somebody else's pants."

* * *

Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Johnny: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark."
Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"

* * *

Teacher: "Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
Boy: "None."
Teacher: "None? You don't know your arithmetic!"
Boy: "Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

* * *

Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Boy: "Seven!"

Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Boy: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?"

Boy: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Boy: "Seven!"

Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?"

Boy: "I've already got one rabbit at home now!"

* * *

Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

* * *

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"

"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"

The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

* * *

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."

* * *

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

* * *

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."

* * *

The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
Robert: "The artwork."
Teacher: "Very good. And you, Peter?"
Peter: "Her tits!"
Teacher: "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall! And you, Johnny?"
Johnny: "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

* * *

Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!"
Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?"
Boy: "No."
Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter."
Boy: "And do you know who I am?"
Girl: "No,"
Boy: "Thank goodness!"

* * *

Teacher: "Why are you late?"
Boy: "Because of a sign down the road."
Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your being late?"
Boy: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'"

* * *

Teacher: "You missed school yesterday, didn't you?"
Boy: "Not a bit!"

* * *

Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?"
Boy: "D, o, g, enter."

* * *

Boy: "I've just had the most awful time. First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

Friend: "Wow! How did you pull through?"

Boy: "I don't know. Toughest spelling test I ever had!"

* * *

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

* * *

The English teacher's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."

* * *

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."

"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."

"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

* * *

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".

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